I was scheduled for a Csection at 7:30 on Tuesday, August 13, 2019. The day before was stressful, thinking about what was to come. My family kept me pretty occupied, eating at Tandoori Oven and dessert at Bluebird. That night I took my "pre Csection bath" and had started having some pretty serious back contractions. Throughout the pregnancy I'd had tons of Braxton Hicks, but these felt different. I slept for a few hours, and we went in to L&D around 6 am. My mom came with us, and my dad stayed home with my sleeping kids. When they hooked me up to the monitors, my nurse Ruth told me I was actually in active labor. If I hadn't been scheduled to have him that day, I would have anyway! I had a really hard time getting the IV in. It wasn't the IV itself, but some PTSD from my first labor came flooding back. Once that was in I felt better.
They walked me into the freezing OR and had me lie down. That's when I had a legitimate panic attack. Looking back now, it was probably pretty funny with me lying there saying "I'm panicking!" and all of the nurses saying "you're fine!" Haha The anesthesiologist gave me some oxygen and that helped calm me down. I had some nice Jason Mraz music playing on my headphones, and once again, asked for my mom to sit by me. She is such a good sport. I know it's not here cup of tea. The surgery went pretty well, though I had some scar tissue that needed to be cut out. The baby was officially born at 7:57 am. This is when things went differently from Hal's birth.
The cord had been wrapped around his neck, but Kirkman worked quickly to solve that problem. When they pulled him out they realized he wasn't breathing and rushed him to the side to help him out. When I heard the nurses ask for Dr. Brown to be called, I realized something must be wrong. My mom followed Theo to the NICU while John stayed with me as I got stitched up. While that was happening, things in the NICU turned dramatic. As they were trying to intubate the baby to help him breathe, he had to be resuscitated. They got him breathing again and by the time John got down there they were putting an IV in his head, a feeding tube in his nose and breathing tube in his mouth. Once I was stitched, they took me down to see him. It was a bittersweet moment. I was so happy to finally see my little one, but felt so guilty that he was in so much pain because he came early.
The next 6 days were hard. Trying to recover in my own room, while my baby is struggling in the NICU was a nightmare. The NICU nurses were angels. I don't know how I could have survived the whole thing without them. They were always calm, patient and comforting to all 3 of us. Johnson got to meet Theo on his second day of life, and Hal on his third. He progressed slowly, and was finally able to go home, on oxygen, on Sunday. 
Driving home, everything hit me. I told John I couldn't do it again. I cant handle going through 9 months of pregnancy only to watch another one of my babies come out looking black and dead. It is an image that I had been working for 4 years to erase from my mind and now it had happened again. PTSD is an interesting thing. You don't realize what you have been holding onto until something triggers it and suddenly all of those memories come crashing back to you. I am so lucky that I was staying with my parents at the time. I think it helped keep me positive as I tried to heal both physically and emotionally.
Now, 1 month later, I have the sweetest, healthiest little boy to snuggle and love and I feel so blessed. What an honor it is to be the mother of 3 sweet spirits. I hope that by writing this down, I can remember that I was able to get through this hard time, with the help of supportive medical staff and family.
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