Thoughts

Last week I attended an ICCJ conference for school. It was basically a day-long workshop where my colleagues and I had the opportunity to discuss our beliefs and stretch ourselves to opening our minds a little more. I am not going to lie... it REALLY stressed me out. I didn't go with the best attitude since it was a 6.5 hour conference about accepting others. I wasn't quite sure how we could talk about acceptance for that long but boy was I wrong!

One of the exercises really got to me. It was called "Forced Choices". Basically they would give us a scenario and 4 different choices. We were required to make one of the 4 options and then sit in a corner of the room depending on our choice. The first question wasn't too bad and I made my decision easily. However they got progressively worse. One of the questions was "Which would you have the hardest time with? Your child marrying someone of a different race? Having them marry outside of your religion? Having them marry someone of the same sex? Or having them marry out of necessity." about 80% of the people at the conference went and sat in the corner for the "same sex" situation and the other 20% sat in the "out of necessity" corner. I was so torn because of my feelings! I knew where I needed to sit but was ashamed that I felt that way so I sided with the majority of my class and sat down. After a few minutes I told our instructor that I wanted to switch sides and I went and sat in the "different religion" corner. I felt bad, not only because I was the only one sitting there, but because I felt that way. The instructor asked if I would share with the rest of the class why I chose to sit there. It was really interesting for me to think about WHY I felt the way I did about having a child marry outside of my religion. It had nothing to do with feeling any kind of superiority over other religions, I just couldn't picture myself being able to accept that very easily. Being brought up in the church is one of the greatest blessings in my life and I plan to share that blessing with my children so we will be able to be together for eternity. Having something interfere with that would be devastating to me. Anyway, after I expressed my feelings there were 5 girls who asked if they could switch and come sit with me which made me feel better. I went home from the conference feeling horrible about myself for believing the way that I do. It took me a few days to be able to realize that my feelings aren't wrong... I just need to think more about WHY I feel the way that I do about things. I think that I am a pretty open minded person when it comes to other people, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting my own feelings.

Another thought on this matter. I got a call on Monday night asking if my new Relief Society could come over and meet with me on Wednesday. I said sure, hung up the phone and started getting really anxious. John and I talked about it and I just told him I didn't think I would have time to do all I needed to do AND clean the house for them to come over. PLUS, I told him, I'd need to make cookies or some kind of treat for them! He laughed and asked why I felt the need to always impress people like that. At the time I was just frustrated and shrugged off his comment. Wednesday evening when I got home from school I found our apartment spotless! He had cleaned, Lysoled, vacuumed and dusted every corner for me. What a sweetheart! I was excited that I would have time to throw together a batch of cookies for the sisters before they came. I mixed up the dough and popped them in the oven. Right as I put them in they showed up and we sat and chatted for 45 minutes or so. When they left I collapsed on the couch. After a few minutes I started smelling smoke and guess what.... charcoal cookies! I felt so embarrassed and silly that I had left them in for almost an hour and I started to cry. This brought me to reflect again on my own feelings. Why was I so freaked out about these ladies coming over? Why did I want them to be impressed and think I was the world's best wife? Though I don't think anyone should have company over with a pigsty of a house, I don't think it was something to stress over.

Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight. This whole personal reflection thing is new for me and definitely causing a lot of grief in my life. But, I do think it will be good for me in the long run. It is important that I understand myself if I expect anyone else to understand me! Props to my husband for the awesome job he did cleaning our apartment! Picture attached (Notice the two Ensign magazines on the coffee table :) )